Sara and I were talking over a cup of coffee at Coffee bean in Bangsar shopping center yesterday. Through the window we could see the SPCA’s event, trying to encourage the public to adopt kittens and puppies. We talked about pets, and I mentioned to her that Oscarina wasn’t my dog but my sisters, and her reply was “Yeah, I guessed as much. You don’t strike me as a person who could commit enough to own a dog”. Ok, maybe that were not her exact words, but thats what I heard. I just laughed about it, and told her I wanted to get my own pets if I didn’t travel so much, something small and easy to take care of. And I gave it no further though. And then last night before I went to sleep, what she said rang in my mind again. “Me afraid to commit?”, “How ridiculous”, I thought. After All, I have committed myself to my company and have been there for a total of 6 years already. Something very rare in my line of work. I have been committed to my church for years now. Joining in 1994, thats commitment right? And I also decide to commit to things like my cell group, which I decided to make my own, only after 1 visit. Or my gym, which I committed after a quick 20 minute tour. Thats commitment right?

And though I gave all those as evidence, perhaps there was some truth in the matter. I once told a friend of mine, that I would commit if I only found somebody to commit to, and her reply was ,”Perhaps you can’t find somebody because you refuse to commit”. And then I have tons of friends who tell me its my fault that I am still single, because I am too choosey, even though I have so many female friends. I don’t think that thats a fair comment as I am just friends with allot of women, mostly because they chose so, not me. And I have heard so many girls tell me ,”I am not looking for a relationship right now”, to me, and yet I turn around and they develop boyfriends. I think they left out the “with you” at the end of that sentence. Oh well, “Their Lost”, I tell myself, but that kinda runs a little thin after the 1001th time.

So do I have a fear of commitment? I honestly don’t think so. Am I too choosey? I don’t think so either. I don’t really wanna go after every girl I am even remotely attracted to, and being a youth leader in my church, I tend to make sure I have my boundaries. I don’t date anybody who is still studying. Thats a rule I have never broken, and never will. I also can’t bring myself to go out with people I have mentored as a Cell leader, even though its obvious I am attracted to them. I have trained myself to consider them as a little sister, and after a while, thats how they will remain.

My friend Diane reminded me last last week that I at the age where I should be getting married or at least dating somebody. I don’t really think I needed her to remind me. I am reminded each day when I have dinner alone, or when I have to stay late because of a meeting, and all my co-workers are calling their wives or girlfriends to say they have to work late, and I have no plans whatsoever I need to break. Or when I travel, and my team members are calling home to talk to thier wives and girlfriends and children even, and I just sit there not having anybody to call really. I mean seriously, I really don’t have anybody to call, and I am so used to it.

I am a loner, have been for many years now. Oh well….

Yes people, yet another Valentines day. Its the day when Single people everywhere are reminded how single they are, as the couples take over the streets, the restaurants, the movies, the parks, everywhere you can think off, even the pasar Malams. This time last year, I was in Mongolia, having dinner with Yeeleng and Vivien, among others. What am I doing this year? I don’t know yet. I’ll update you when I get some plans…muahahaha. To everybody out there…

Saw this post in my friends blog, and decided to do the test. Here is the results…

Nick, you’re single because you don’t want to settle

You, more than others, have a fairy tale fantasy of how things should be. Ever since you were a kid, you’ve probably dreamed of the perfect wedding, coming home to a white picket fence, dog, and 2.2 kids (how does that work, anyway?). When someone asks what you’re looking for, you don’t skip a beat: You’re likely to have a handy checklist that details your perfect partner. Hair and eye color, height, religion, education, career, interests, the list goes on.

While it’s great to have standards — Hey, you shouldn’t have to settle, after all — there’s one slight glitch in your master plan: No one has made the grade in real life — at least not yet. Next time you’re out with someone, keep yourself from mentally checking that list, and give love — and others — a chance. That special someone who you’ve written off may be perfect for you after all…

Oh my! I agree that I don’t wanna settle for anything, but to say that I have turned down people who are even close to being the one is quite nonsence. Most of the time, I am the one being turned down leh!

It just makes you more emotional. Depressed even. Maybe its just the amount of time spent alone recently, with hardly anybody to talk to verbally, but things are just getting to me. A friend of mine showed me her online photo album which contained several pictures of her 3 honeymoons, and though I was really happy for her, It just made me extremly depressed. Its not so much that I am not ok being single. I mean, there are worse things in the world than being Single, and I live quite a full life. I do want to get married and have somebody to share my life with. I had a dream that day, that me and my wife were travelling and working together, and my daughter was like asking me so many silly questions, and then the alarm when off. You know sometimes, when you wake up, you can like go back to sleep and continue your dream? I tried and tried, but it just didn’t work. It was over, I was awake, and just in that instance, I really really felt alone in the world. You know once you start to feel bad, suddenly you are tempted to dwell in your sorrows? So there I was, sitting there having a pity party, telling myself I was doomed to live this life forever, alone and listless. Once you start its hard to stop, but stop I did. And Stop I must. For nobody like a crybaby, and its not excatly the most macho of personas. So the Bi-polar personality in me, decided that I would not feel sorry for myself. I started instead to count my blessings, and after a while, I was very happy. I had tons to look forward to. And then the cycle started again, after looking at those honeymoon photos. Its the weather I tell you. The winter just makes everything feel more gloomy then it really is. Its not easy to stay optimistic and cheerfull. It actually gets harder every day, and every year, but I will hold on. This year will be my year, even if its not in the area of Love, it will be my year. I feel it. I claim it.

It happens many times, among many of my friends. I know many single girls, who I am very close to. We have been friends for the longest time, and we talk about loads of stuff. And yet, we never consider them as potential mates. I have this female friend, who shall remain nameless, and we talk online very very often, and I’d like to think of her as a close female friend. Like me, she too has many other single male friends that are in her life. And I asked her, “Have you ever considered XXXXX as a potential boyfriend” I mean she is very close to XXXXX, I think maybe even closer to him than me, due to the amount of time they spent together in college and stuff like that. And her anwser was plain and simple. “We are just meant to be only friends, like you and me”.

I am familiar with this concept, as I too know many women who to me are just friends and nothing else. I then proceded to ask the question in which I already knew the awnser to , “But what makes a person just a friend, and nothing else”, and she awnsered just as I thought she would ,”There must be a spark”.

What is this all important “Spark”, and what makes it so important? I mean, if a person has all the basic characteristics you are looking for, but there is no spark, would you not persue the person? I met this very nice girl, through my blog from all places, and we met up in a group setting, and I found her to have allot the characteristics that I was looking for in a person. She was very pretty, age wasnt an issue, we had things in common, she seemed a very loyal friend to her friends, she was spoft spoken, she liked adventure and all that stuff, and everything seemed to fit, but however there was no “Sparks”. I didn’t want to continue giving her false hope that things may work out, so I kinda stopped hanging out with her.

Thinking back, are sparks all that important? I mean, if she has it all, and she is my friend, wouldn’t the friendship love last just as long as romantic love? People tell me that after marrige the Sparks usually fade away, and basicly people stay together because of the friendship, companionship, and the commitment they have made. So are Sparks all that important? I mean, most of our parents got married , I wonder if the were sparks? Is it all this Hollywood romances and TV shows telling us that we should wait for that all inportant spark. I mean if your relationshop started on a spark, doesn’t mean a spark could end it? Have one fight, and suddently its all over.

Feedback please, especially from the married ones. Sorry but I don’t want to hear another young person who has never had a real commitment in thier life give advice on things they really don’t know anything about. Really, the only way to know about married life is to live it.