Over desert on Friday the Cell group had the most interesting conversations. I donno how we got to the topic, but all of a sudden somebody mentioned the top used reject line used was ,”You are like a brother to me”, and then the conversation moved from some other topic to the pursuit of the opposite sex. In the course of the conversation I mentioned that my greatest struggle I face in the persuit of girlfriend/wife was Racism from the family of the girls parents, but after thinking about it, I am correcting myself. My biggest struggle in finding that special somebody is Fear.

Fear of what, you may ask? About a year ago, my friend Elaine asked me if she could feature me in an article she was writing for Female magazine about men in different stages of their love lives. There was the “Just Got Dumped Guy”, the “New Love Guy”, the “Old Love Guy” and me, the “No Love Guy”. Actually, I was the “Looking for Love Guy”, but thats semantics. I did the article purely got I was turning 30 the following year, and I wanted to do things before I turned 30. Being featured in a womans magazine sounded like something worth doing, and it couldn’t hurt my stock value i though. I think it actually didn’t improve my stock options either, but I digress. Elaine wrote this about me ,”Who says Men can’t commit. Nick is just waiting for somebody to commit to”. I think thats pretty right about me. I am oh so willing to commit to somebody. The problem is I fear the process.

I fear the change, which without doubt will occur in a friendship when you express the want or need to change the relationship to something greater than friends. I hate it when the awkwardness hits in. When the girl who you used to be able to talk to so well before, can’t hold a 1 minute conversation now. I hate knowing that because of my actions, I no longer have a friend.

I fear rejection. My God, I fear rejection. All men dislike it. Some men hate it. I, loathe and fear it. It brings me to tears. It makes me feel small, insignificant, unloved, unwanted, undeserving, an every other word that could start with an “un”. Maybe my fragile glass heart, which over the years, been shattered by the events in my life, glued back with super glue time and time again, just can’t take the thought of shattering yet again. I hate hearing those words of rejection. They come in so many forms, and I don’t think I have not heard any variation of the form. It does matter if its ,”Your like a brother to me”, or “Your such a good friend”, or “It’s not you, its me. I’m not ready for a relationship right now”. It doesn’t even matter how sincere the person is, how honest her replies are, it doesn’t matter. Its yet another “No”, stamped in red ink, with Bold letters, in the passport of my heart, of the pages which are almost filled.

I told myself a while back, the next person I would ask will be the last one. Such pressure I put on myself, and why? Just so that I wouldn’t have to be rejected again and again.

A little background here would be good. I have come to realized that I have in the past, and still do to a lesser extent in my life a void when it comes to acceptance and love. I never really felt loved at home, and not having a mother in my life, I had sought after acceptance, of any form from girls. Me being a hopeless romantic and yet lacking any emotional backbone would seek it in any person and find it, even with it wasn’t there. I developed feelings for people way too easily, and often thought I saw feelings in return, when people were just being friendly, kind or perhaps a liitle flirtatious. This lead to many broken hearts, and many tears on my pillow.

Coming to the realization that the void couldn’t be filled by a person but rather by my Heavenly father, knowing the weakness I have when it comes to seeking the affections of others, I purposed in my heart to not seek for it, failing a few times in the process. I avoided letting people see the real me, building walls, which I sometimes let down, only to be hurt again.

Like I said in the past, School for Hard Knocks, real hard Knocks.

And my last fear, the worse of them all, is that I fear I don’t deserve to find love. I fear there is love for everybody but not for me. I know that is not true, and its all the doubts in my mind that should never be taken seriously. There are always nay sayers, there always have been, there always will be.

On this day in History..

• Fathers Day @ GTPJ... - 2005
• Asian football and why I don't like England players - 2006
• Mongol Warriors Spotted in the Square - 2006
• What are these called again? - 2006
• JJCM :- The Green Room, Desa Sri Hartamas - 2007
• Yes, I am Nick Tay. - 2007
• Of Cheese and Wine... - 2007
• EURO2008 : And then there were 8 - 2008
• Vantage Point : A review - 2008

Tags: Love

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 19th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.